Wintergirls

         I am reading the book Wintergirls by Laurie Anderson.  Thi book tells the story on a girl named Lia that struggles through anorexia.  Then an ex-friend of hers that had bulimia dies.  Cassie, her girl that died, called her 33 times on the night she died.  A fact that Lia just can't live down.
        In this book I've been thinking about innocence.  Lia isn't innocent because of what she does.  Starving herself to look thin.  Always denying the fact that she could die... just like Cassie.  And the thing that doesn't make her innocent is that she knows that doing what she is is dangerous.  She knows what could happen to her, yet she just keeps on doing it.  In fact, Lia has been sent to a rehab twice already.  And she known that if anyone finds out, she is going to go back.
        Another reason that Lia just isn't innocent is that she knows Cassie called her 33 times.  And yet, she didn't pick up.  She heard it, but let it ring, and ring, and ring, and ring.  In this situation she wasn't innocent because she might have been able to help Cassie.  But maybe not.   Now she sits there and wonders why, what could have been so important that she called?  After all, Cassie hadn't spoken to her in months.  So, why did she suddenly start trying to call?  I know the answer, but I won't say.
        I wonder if Lia has a little guilty consience.  I mean, don't we  all?  If there is something that we feel bad about, doesn't it just haunt us?  The little voice in the bag of our head taunts us, making us want to belive that it is all our fault.  But the thing is, that it isn't.  Lia needs to realize this.  That Cassie dieing isn't her fault.  Yes, the anorexia is, but she can change it.
        Everything starts by trying to change something.  Lia needs to put a foot forward, and start walking that direction.